Having already looked at the impending general election through the lens of one television series full of bloody, political intrigue inspired me to take a look at it through another. House of Cards, as we all know, was originally a British mini-series about a psychopathic, murderous Tory MP who through various manipulations becomes prime minister. It’s now the inspiration for an ongoing American series about a psychopathic, murderous congressman who becomes president of the United States. So what would each of the current party leaders be like if they weren’t the well-adjusted, completely normal (*cough*) individuals we know and love running our major political parties, but instead were evil sociopaths willing to do anything to achieve their goals? Let’s find out, shall we?
David Cameron as Frank Underwood….
Would have pushed Lynton Crosby in front of a tube train by now and replaced him with someone who knew anything at all about British politics. At best, some sort of right-wing Malcolm Tucker on steroids who becomes Cameron’s Doug Stamper figure and turns the campaign around in the final weeks using a combination of genuine tactical nous, blackmail and chloroform.
Ed Miliband as Frank Underwood…
Prime Minister Miliband has made everyone sweat on who gets what job. No one’s heard squat for several days post-election when finally, Yvette Cooper sees “Edward Milipede” appear on her Iphone display, a call incoming.
“Hi, Ed. Congratulations.”
“No thanks to you, of course. I’m calling to discuss your role in the new Labour government.”
“I’ll stop you right there, Ed – I’d be happy to be Home Secretary.”
“(evil laugh) No, no, Yvette. I have something else in mind for you.”
“I can’t be Chancellor for obvious reasons! (nervous laugh)”
“I want you to be my new Parliamentary Under Secretary for Basket Weaving. It’s a new sub-sub-section of the Cabinet Office I’m going to be running out of the room where the boiler sits.”
“You won’t get away with this, Ed.”
“So is that a no to the job then? Have fun warming the backbenches, Yvette.”
“If you think the party will wear this, think again.”
“I have three simple words for you, Yvette. Go. Fuck. Yourself. (hangs up)”
Nigel Farage as Frank Underwood….
He reaches out to Craig Mackinley, the Tory candidate for South Thanet, calling him one evening close to polling day. Farage tells him he’s thinking about chucking the towel in but wants to speak one on one with him first, alone, at Farage’s house. That meeting secured, Farage arranges through backchannels a one on one with Cameron, saying he’s thinking of quitting and leaving the country, but only if he gets to talk with Cameron first. The Cameron visit is arranged for exact same time and date as the Mackinley visit.
Craig and Dave arrive at the appointed time, stunned to find the other one there – and Nigel missing. Farage has meanwhile slipped out the back to blow the house to smithereens. Afterwards he blames the whole thing on Islamic terrorists, setting himself up as a would be survivor, having slipped out to his shed at the exact right moment to grab some Chablis from the cellar…