I have something to confess, straight off: I hardly ever watch football these days. I tuned in a bit last Spring when it really looked like Leicester City were going to do it, but that was the first English league football I’d watched in several years. So take what I’m about to say with that in mind – or better yet, feel free to ignore it as a result.
What inspired me to write this was all of the pundits predictions that have just come out. Pretty much everyone who is supposedly in the know on these matters is picking either Manchester United or Manchester City to win the league. It’s as if the Leicester City revolution never happened, or at least it is being treated as a blip. I fall into a different ideology on this.
I feel almost certain that Manchester United will not win the league this season. Or even come close to for that matter. Partly because I think Mourhinho has lost it now, partly because I think they have some sort of curse of Ferguson thing going on that most people won’t start commenting on in earnest until 2028 when Man U haven’t won the title for 15 years (you heard it hear first, folks).
Manchester City will come close but won’t do it either. Chelsea will be mid table again.
So who will win it then? I’m sort of tempted to say Stoke City and hope for the best. But no, I’m going to go out on a limb and say Liverpool to win the Premier League. Not for any technical reason, just because. So my predicted top four is:
- Manchester City
Everton I think will go top four off the back of who they’ll now buy having sold John Stones for a gazillion squid. I have to say, there are some shockingly overvalued English footballers out there right now. If Raheem Sterling, a man with the first touch of a very lubricated beach ball, can be worth almost £50 million, and a very average Everton centreback can be worth nearly the same, there must be a fair few over-30 fat blokes who play left back for a pub side in the Midlands who must be worth at least £10 million.
Tottenham to finish fifth. West Ham sixth. Manchester United seventh. From there, who knows.
Of course, there is every chance I am completely wrong on every score. Even now, I’m thinking again about saying “fuck it” and putting in Stoke to win it all, which demonstrates my own lack of confidence in all this. What I will say is that we live in such crazy times, even football has become hard to predict. If you want to take a punt, you’re just as good putting a tenner on Hull City to be Premier League Champs come next May as you are listening to any pundit. Including ones, unlike me, who have some idea of what they’re talking about having you know, played the game and stuff.
As Michael Gove recently said, people in this country have had enough of experts. Take that as you will.